Dear (previous, finest ever) President Donald Trump,
We’ve had our arguments for many years, a few of them quite bigly. If there’s one essential lesson you’ve taught me, it’s that we need to never ever let individual complaints, principles, or the law stand in the method of a great service chance.
As your legal costs continue to install by the millions, your Truth Social stock tanks, and the bond for your $454 million judgment for sexually attacking E. Jean Carroll is declined (so unjust!)– now’s the ideal time to check out a brand-new earnings stream that can profit from the attention you’re overcoming reports you’ve been audibly farting in the courtroom throughout your first-ever criminal trial.
Now, I understand these are unofficial, uncorroborated rumblings, however even if it’s not real, own it! As your previous representative, John Barron, understood, all PR is excellent PR. And, think me, when you hear this pitch, I believe you may shit yourself– pun VERY much planned.
Here it is: “Diaper Don’s Soundproof Adult Undergarments.”
Consider it. You’re an adult (chronologically, if not temperamentally), you use diapers, and you fart a lot. In a peaceful courtroom, that type of continuous, audible flatulence might turn a supportive juror into a Soros-controlled globalist puppet.
We can stop that from occurring.
And can’t you simply envision the commercial?
An American flag waving in the breeze, the very first stirring notes of the Star Spangled Banner including the Jan. 6 Prison Choir (such a fantastic tune, sir, brought tears to my eyes). The scene is stunning, amazing. Out of no place, someone rips one, nearly destroying the spectacular, some state better-than-the-original tune.
Enter YOU, perhaps getting here by means of escalator, appearing like a modern-day Winston Churchill, however far more muscular and virile and without the phony-baloney accent.
It ‘d go something like this:
I’m President Donald Trump. Whether I’m on the golf course or in a courtroom run by a completely conflicted and disgraced judge, there are times where I simply let it rip.
In some cases I even shart a little.
I require an adult diaper that’s as hard and patriotic as me. That’s why I’ve developed Diaper Don’s Soundproof Adult Undergarments.
They not just take in the odd things down there, they’re likewise geared up with my trademarked fart-baffling diaper innovation. No other brand name can match this extremely strong, really effective system for reducing the effects of the noises of even the juiciest, wettest fluffer doodles.
The trick: gold!
(Note: the trick isn’t truly gold. It’s styrofoam. We’ll paint it gold. Those morons will not understand the distinction.)
Utilizing the exact same advanced innovation that made Trump Sneakers the very popular shoe in history, my Trump Diapers will get you through a rough day in court, or the conference room,