Care and Feeding I do not wish to review my youth.
Picture illustration by Slate. Picture by Getty Images Plus.
Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting suggestions column.Have a concern for Care and Feeding?Send it here
Dear Care and Feeding,
My partner and I have a terrific 3-year-old child, Chelsea. My moms and dads are included, caring grandparents, however one problem offers us stop briefly. My better half and I both battle with weight, and we understand there’s a good possibility that Chelsea will ultimately deal with comparable concerns. My moms and dads were less than excellent on this front when I was maturing: My mommy was permanently making observations about my body; my father used to purchase me an automobile if I reduced weight– which I did, so he did– and after that threatened to take the vehicle when I acquired some back. I believe a great deal of their habits originated from love and issue, however it seemed like bullying, and I would have chosen helpful moms and dads whose love didn’t appear at all conditioned on my size. My other half and I are attempting to be really purposeful in assisting Chelsea establish a favorable, healthy body image, and at minimum have actually fixed to never ever be the factor that she feels bad about how she looks. I’m worried that my moms and dads will not be so cautious (to state the least). Even now, they state slightly troublesome things in her existence, like enhancing me for slimming down, which I’m sure they view as kind however eventually enhances the concept that fat is bad and thin is excellent– which’s not a lesson I desire Chelsea to gain from individuals she likes. As a fat kid, it did me a great deal of damage.
I’m actually not thinking about reviewing this element of my youth with my moms and dads. I’ve made peace with their flaws, and we have a great relationship that would not take advantage of digging up this specific injury. That stated, I require to set clear borders around how they deal with these concerns with and around Chelsea, and I’m unsure how to tackle that without opening a can of worms about their own parenting, which I believe would simply put them on the defensive. Do you have any recommendations? Or do I simply require to take out the can opener?
— Big in Brooklyn
Dear Brooklyn,
Nah, keep that can opener put away– your clutter-free counter area is the envy of lots of.
You can resolve this (early and typically!) without breathing a word of recrimination about your own youth. They might make this connection themselves, obviously, and if they do, and bring it up, you can inform them what you’ve informed me: You’re not thinking about prosecuting the past; you like them, you’re not mad; you’re looking ahead now. Keep your eye on the reward: securing Chelsea from absorbing their destructive messaging, nipping their expressions of fatphobia in the bud,